Why Children's Television is for Children

Jan 19, 2008

There's a reason why children's television is for children. Adults simply should not be allowed to watch it, under any circumstances. In fact, there should be a warning preceding each children's show: 'The following programming is not intended for viewers over 18 months old', it should say. But sometimes, a parent just doesn't have a choice, and is more or less forced to view programming intended for toddlers. 

There's no point in getting worked up about it, yet I find myself becoming increasingly livid at the insultingly sophomoric level of humor, blatant predictability and endless repetitions. For some reason, my daughter doesn't seem to mind, but I sometimes forget she's only 17 months oldMy daughter wakes up at 8 every morning, and we watch children's TV together. She makes me watch. If I whine and ask why I have to watch, she'll say 'Because I say so,' or something to that effect, I imagine. She hasn't actually learned how to talk yet. So I suck it up and endure another hour or so of children's television that could very well be warping my brain because it is so inappropriate for viewers my age.

I try to see the plus-side of the situation. We get a variety of international programming here in Holland, which you'd think would be intellectually and culturally stimulating to the young minds of Dutch society. But these expectations are hopelessly crushed when the Belgian programming begins, which consists of a combination of (thankfully) short episodes. There's one about pirates, and another one about gnomes, and if you're lucky, they sometimes show one about a farting pig. 

The one with the pirates is about three men and a woman, who are all unbelievably immature and just sail aimlessly around in the middle of the ocean. One of the men has the physique of a stick insect and can't talk. Another man, the cook, is loud, obese and just really annoying. The ship's captain is a handsome fellow but has the same IQ of, again, a stick insect. The woman, who is severely overweight, steers the boat, but that doesn't mean she's any more intelligent than the rest. They go nowhere and every show is about three of them thinking the other one is dead. Probably a side-effect of an untreated scurvy epidemic.

The gnome show is even worse. It's also about three men and a woman who are also all unbelievably immature. They hang around in mushrooms and all of them are obese. (I guess the producers figure all gnomes are fat, which in my opinion is slightly prejudice, but who am I?) The gnomes are named after their personal health problems, as if having one in the first place wasn't humiliating enough. 'Lui' seems to be under heavy sedation the entire time, 'Kwebbel' has a bad case of verbal diarrhea, 'Klus' is an obsessive-compulsive when it comes to odd jobs around the house, and 'Plop', well, I suppose we can only speculate what his unfortunate condition might be...

The less said about the farting pig show, the better.

Between these episodes, they show musical acts starring the aforementioned characters, as well as other Belgian children's TV heros, like the bland middle-aged man and his flea-bitten dog who sounds like he's suffering from severe smoker's lung. Then there's the misunderstood police agent-slash-super hero who, after three-thousand episodes, still hasn't gotten around to informing her loved ones about her sordid alternative lifestyle. And finally, there are the three middle-aged women who look and act like 10-year-olds, which is slightly disturbing because one of them is pregnant.

Children's programming in Belgium is instantaneously recognizable because every show has the same ingredients, or so it seems. The main characters are middle-aged and are struggling with weight issues or other health problems, like flatulence. Usually, they form an inseparable group on the show, and spend the episode dealing with everyday issues like finding out how many cupcakes they can eat before they get physically sick, or why practical jokes can sometimes backfire if executed too convincingly.

If the main character is not part of a group, it is always accompanied by an ugly, shoddily-made puppet. You can ask yourself which is more pathetic: the self-pitying group of hypochondriacs, or the sad loner who's best friend is really just some guy's hand stuck inside a piece of furry fabric.

Then come the British shows, which I initially thought would help my daughter expand on her bilingual capacities. Unfortunately, the characters (usually overweight puppets again) in the shows have little to say, and when they do speak, how they talk has very little to do with the English language. Before I became a parent, I swore I would never allow certain programs (especially the one that stars grown men in fat alien costumes) into my home, but I can't help but notice the calming effect they have on my child. I convince myself of the extensive scrutiny these shows must have gone through before being allowed to be shown on TV, so as to not damage the impressionable brains of little children. I figure, the show must be educational on some level, or the producers would all be sued by now...

And yet, it's obvious that some children's shows have clearly been made by people high on LSD, which is only interesting to watch if, like me, you've never actually experimented with drugs. After watching these children's shows, I actually feel like I've just undergone a completely substance-free psychedelic trip. The effect this might have on my child is slightly worrying, but again, I am convinced that if the program is actually being shown on TV, it must be kosher. 

Then there are the random Eastern European shows in-between the main programming, which are fun to watch because even though they're brand new episodes, the makers are still using cameras made in the Pre-Iron Curtain era. The cameras are probably carved out of stale bread and the lenses are actually highly polished slices of cheese. The end result looks, therefore, a little old-fashioned. But then again, these days, even my 17-month-old daughter recognizes that a show filmed in anything but 16:9 is old-fashioned.

Dutch children's shows are of a completely different calibre. Even though Holland is an ultra-modern and culturally diverse society, it also has about ten-thousand years of a flagrantly sober Calvinistic mentality to deal with. You'll find a fascinating combination of both sides of the Dutch disposition worked into a very conservative variety of Dutch children's programming. Most shows are simplified to such extremes in that no more than three colors are ever used in one episode (any more would be an extravagance), and the characters don't actually have a face. Instead of speaking, they communicate via Bluetooth. 

Even in conservative Holland, television is all about ratings, and what sells. We all know that in an adult world, sex is what sells, but unfortunately that doesn't apply to children's programming. If it did, most television media CEOs would be in jail, not driving around in BMWs with scantily-clad, fast-talking assistants. 

So what makes a children's show sell? Essentially, it seems, if it's got girth, it'll be a hit. While parents around the world are worrying about adjusting their children's diet as they increase in volume, they're forgetting to take a good look at the role models these kids have on TV! Hell, even one of the highest rated children's shows of the past decade is all about fat aliens with TVs built into their bellies! Whoever dreamt up that clever money-making integration of elements must be lounging around by some pool in the Caribbean as we speak. We adults can complain about it all we want, but at the end of the day, children's TV is for children.

Why? 

Because I say so. That's why.