Dog People vs Cat People

I live outdoors, which means I am constantly encountering various types of foliage, wild animals and dog poop. In general, people who live outdoors consider it a requirement to get a dog, or so it would seem. All our neighbors have one. We thought about getting one, but as it turns out, we're Cat People.

It's a well-known fact that there are Cat People and Dog People in the world, and they have to live together on earth in peace and harmony. This is not always an easy thing to do when the fundamental differences in Cat People and Dog People are so substantial and numerous. Cat People essentially do their own thing, live and let live and enjoy a good cuddle once in a while. Dog People tend to say things like 'Oh no, my dog never barks' or 'Oh no, my dog never poops in your yard' or 'Oh don't be scared, he's just playing'. To all these remarks, I am supposed to feel ashamed. I obviously must have problems with my ears if I think the dog is barking, and problems with my eyesight if I see a pile of poop in my yard that I did not make myself. And, of course, I should know when a dog the size of a small horse growling at my crotch area is 'just playing'! You see, Dog People assume Cat People are also Dog People, which is partly where the problem lies. 

Because we live in an attractive, spacious area, people enjoy taking walks around here, and more often than not, they have dogs with them. These people believe the outdoors is a place where dog feces just magically disappears or instananeously biodegrades, so when their dog squats in our driveway, they make no effort to stop it since our driveway is just about the prettiest dog toilet they've ever seen. There's really no point in explaining why I don't especially want to tread through their dog's droppings when I get into my car, since more often than not these people don't even speak the same language as I do. Or they pretend not to. They must not be fluent in Cat.

But these are merely tourists, the Dog People we have to contend with on a daily basis are a different story alltogether. Our neighbor, for example, already had a dog when he moved in next door, which he mistakingly assumed would blend into the atmosphere, lose all its annoying dog-like qualities and become one with the quiet woodsy environment. When our neighbor left for work every morning at around 6am, his dog, a spunky little Jack Russel called Sita, would begin to howl and bark non-stop until he returned home again at around 6pm. 

After a few weeks of this sort of behavior, we realized Sita was not simply practising her dog scales and that it was time to speak up. To our surprise, our neighbour refused to believe us - he claimed his dog just 'wasn't the barking type'! Fortunately we didn't have to provide proof, he finally took our rather persistent word for it. So poor Sita was locked indoors while our neighbor went to work, and even then we could hear her tearing up the couch and scratching the doors to pieces. Not long after that, Sita moved out. We found out later she ended up with our neighbor's mother, the only one who could tolerate her, or perhaps the only one with indestructable furniture.

Our neighbor then became a Dog Person who lives outdoors without a dog, which wasn't really allowed in Dog People circles. So, it wasn't long before he got himself a new one, a Border Collie pup. This time, he was going to go to obedience school and was determined to do things right. Maybe he wanted to prove to us, whom he saw as representatives of Cat People around the country, that he could own a dog and that we would essentially never even know it exists.

Our neighbor attended obedience school for a little while, but the puppy was about as non-existant as hemmoroids on a truck driver. It barked, howled, destroyed, and tried to mate with just about anything that threw a shadow. It was clear our neighbor needed to find a solution, so he got another dog. It was a logical move for a Dog Person, undoubtedly, but we Cat People just couldn't comprehend. According to our neighbor, spending a few hundred euro on another dog, which was a couple years older and more experienced, was a good investment because it would 'teach' the puppy how to behave. Needless to say, neither dog nor neighbor managed to stick around for long. I personally believe both dogs probably tore up his furniture so badly he didn't have a bed to sleep on anymore. I felt sorry for our neighbor's mother, who had probably hoped her son would be bringing her grandchildren over instead of a variety of badly behaved canines...

Another neighbor and his wife are both retired and have bred every sort of animal known to man in the decades they've lived outdoors. They are tough people, who can deal with livestock and build things and chop things. Now that they're retired, they must have had a visit from the LPDPLO, (The League of Potential Dog People Living Outdoors) demanding to know why they didn't have a dog yet. They didn't waste any time in adopting one, a chihuahua called Luigi. I can't imagine a more unsuitable choice of canine in these parts. In the damp forest conditions, Luigi has to wear little sweaters all the time, shakes uncontrollably and is so rodent-like, you'd mistake him for a rat if you put him on the ground. Luigi isn't let for a walk, he's carried. I always wonder if, after he's put on the ground to do his business, how difficult it is to find him again. Or if a rat might try to elope with him one day when one of my neighbor's isn't looking. A Dog Person once told me, when you want to get a dog, you don't choose the dog, the dog chooses you. I guess that really is true. 

There are also Dog People living on the corner near us. We have to pass their property to get to our house, which means we pass it at least twice daily. They moved in a couple years after we did, and have a little white lap dog called Rakker. Although I am a Cat Person, I completely get the concept of a dog protecting one's owner, and yet it annoys me greatly when I try to go home, and Rakker appears out of nowhere and barks and chases me along his owner's fence until I have passed and supposedly am no longer a threat. In whatever mode of transport, the second I move into the vicinity of Rakker's owner's property, he sees me as the thing that could destroy his owner and render him as head security guard virtually useless. 

At first, I took Rakker's behavior personally, until I discovered he did this to everyone and everything that passed his owner's property. A bird, a rabbit, a cat, a pinecone falling out of a tree, all were seen as potential perpetrators, capable of inflicting harm on his owner. Sometimes, the owner is around when Rakker barks and chases, and when he approaches, I find myself expecting some sort of explanation. It's always the same: 'You're on his territory!' the owner will say teasingly. 'His territory, eh? Since when?' I want to ask. Sometimes the owner will suggest I pet Rakker, to show him I mean no harm. The idea of extending my hand anywhere near that snarling little thing is undeniably absurd, seeing as if he is capable of sensing my emotions (by means of telepathy, I assume), he would no doubt sense my pure desire to do him a great deal of harm and would probably chomp off my hand. Not a risk I'm willing to take.

Seeing as it's impossible to continue a conversation above Rakker's frenzied barking and jumping up against the chain-link fence, the owner and I don't usually stand around and chat. The fact that I am so close to his owner and could injure him at any moment is Rakker's main concern, so by that point I usually just get out of there. I want to say: 'I was here first, buddy', but this would make no impression on Rakker. Another battle lost. Dog Person: one, Cat Person: zero.

If you think Cat People think: 'We might lose the battle, but we'll win the war', you'd be mistaken. Yet another essential difference between Cat People and Dog People that will most likely remain so until the end of time is that Cat People tolerate and Dog People crusade. A Cat Person will never try to convince you that a cat is better than a dog, but a Dog Person will go to great lengths to convince you why a dog is next to holy. And they'll go even further than that by insisting a dog doesn't stink, drool or hump your leg at inappropriate moments. 

The war has been won, and Cat People around the world have succumbed long ago. They don't care, all they want is a good cuddle now and then.