Healthy Women Have 'Em

Recently, I was invited to an 'Upperdare' party. I'd heard about them before, but never attended one. For those out there who aren't familiar with the concept, it's a fun, informative presentation of sex toys and other erotic articles which can be purchased subsequent to the presentation, like a Tupperware party. In reality, it's a gathering of overexcited slightly overweight middle-aged women desperately in need of a boost in, or replacement of, their nonexistent sex lives. Although I've never even thought about trying, let alone purchasing, a sex toy, I was intrigued. Apparently, it's perfectly normal for a healthy modern woman to own a vibrator, and I wanted to see just how healthy and modern I was.

The party was held at my daughter's daycare center; a more obviously inappropriate place to hold such a party was unthinkable. But Sofie, the owner of the daycare, evidently thought this was a great way to inspire her clients to make more babies! At one point I was struck with a feeling of immense irony as I was sipping my mojito and handling various vibrators in the exact same place as my daughter plays with Teletubbies and takes her nap three times a week. The table displaying the wide assortment of erotic paraphernalia was set up between the cribs and the play table, and directly above it hung a poster of cute little animals spelling out the alphabet.

But as soon as Yvette, the 'Upperdare' party hostess, began her presentation, the cute little animals and cribs became much less of an issue. She started with the massage oils, the lubricants and various reading material on the subject, but it was pretty obvious everyone was more curious about the 'big stuff'. The collection of mysterious multicolored dildos, set up like trophies amongst the edible underwear, kinky handcuffs and crotch-less panties, was what everyone was really interested in.

We sat in a circle, (not unlike how my daughter and the other children most likely sit during story-time on a normal day) as Yvette described the various vibrating gadgetry. As she passed it to the first woman in the circle, she advised us to hold certain parts against our nostril, which apparently has the same level of sensitivity as the area for which it is actually intended. I held this tip with some skepticism, as I seriously doubted my nostril could be any kind of measure against my feminine components... But as soon as I got hold of my first vibrator, shaking in my hand as if it was trying to get away, I tried the nostril test. This was not an easy task in itself, seeing as each device had so many protruding appendages, it wasn't always easy to get the part in question against my nostril without getting another part wobbling uncontrollably in my eye. It was essential to use your imagination when testing these things, clearly.

As the presentation continued, I realized I was the only woman in the circle who didn't own one of these convulsing gadgets. On either side of me, women were chattering excitedly about their own personal level of satisfaction about the dildo in question, something I had always considered to be down to personal taste. One particular vibrator got everyone oohing and aahing; it was a bright green thing in the form of a frog. Its goofy smile and lumpy body struck a chord with the other girls, while I could imagine nothing less sexually arousing than being penetrating by a googly-eyed luminous pond critter. But I was definitely in the minority. The frog was a hit, and immediately ordered by all.

Before long, thanks to increasing arousal and cocktail consumption, the amusing anecdotes began to surface. Seeing as all the women there had children, almost every story had to do with one or more of their offspring getting hold of one or more of their sex toys, with purely hilarious repercussions as the result. One woman described between uncontrollable giggles the time she found her son innocently teething on her 'Dinky Digger'. Another woman related the embarrassing event when her daughter retrieved her mother's entire collection of sex toys and brought them out to show the in-laws, who were just finishing dinner. I couldn't help but wonder why these women didn't keep their toys in a more inaccessible location, a drawer the kids can't reach for example, and imagined the floor of their households strewn with baby and adult toys mixed together. What 8-month-old child can be expected to distinguish a penis ring from a teething ring, for Pete's sake?

After the presentation, I stood at the table, contemplating everything my nostril had just got a taste of, wondering whether or not I was going home the proud owner of the 'Semi-realistic (batteries included)'? Or perhaps the 'Icebreaker', discrete enough to fit nicely in your handbag? Or the innovative 'Bead Blossom' complete with adapter, and the added prospect of never again a disappointing moment involving dead batteries? I imagined the 'Bead Blossom', charging away in its fancy adapter, set up on the shelf next to my husband's chordless Bosch drilling tool.

The other women gathered around as well, making their selections and disappearing into the bathroom with the tester jar of mint lubricant. I heard Sofie share in a loud voice her recent discovery that an electric toothbrush makes an excellent vibrator, imagine that! Multi-functional and easy to clean! I quickly discovered I was inexperienced, overwhelmed and in way over my head.

Finally, I decided on a novelty mug with a picture of a woman on the front which, when hot coffee is poured into it, by the magic of 21st century technology, gradually makes her clothing disappear. A perfect gift for my husband, what with Father's Day just around the corner. As a sleep-deprived mother of a 2-month-old baby and a 2-year-old kid, I figured this was the erotic gadget best suited to my sex life at the moment...