My Path

A Written Self-Portrait

Today I'm thinking about the person I have become. The people in my life, the children I gave birth to, the man who married me, the environment I can finally call my own; I took these things for granted for so long. Every day, I appreciate each and every one of them. Especially when I think, I almost lost them.

When I was little, I thrived on the attention my parents and older brothers gave me. I would jump through hoops to please them, if they wanted me to. This formed me, but only for a part. The biggest part, as it turns out. Years later, I found myself trying to please others, and in doing so, placed myself at the very bottom of my list of priorities. The part of me that didn't accept this behavior got pushed further and further back, until it finally rebelled.

What happens when you deny a part of yourself? I can tell you from experience, it doesn't go away. It doesn't even diminish. It grows stronger. And things that get stronger can sometimes take over, which is what happened to me. When things were steadily going wrong in my life, and in my mind, I looked to everyone and everything else for an explanation. All along, the answer was skin deep, only I was scared to death to look beneath the surface.

I allowed the part of me I didn't want to know surface. It wasn't a choice, it was a necessity. I was suddenly confronted with a side of myself I didn't know how to handle, so it began handling me. I started to forget everything that ever meant anything to me. In order to get what it wanted, this 'other' side of me systematically began removing those things, leaving a stripped frame in its wake. It was like I was being remote-controlled, but at the same time, I was well aware of the consequences of my actions. But awareness was, like everything else that belonged in the realms of reality, pushed aside to be dealt with later. Hopefully never.

But never wasn't an option either. I was someone's wife, someone's daughter, someone's mother. I saw people slowly disappear from my life; friends became strangers, my children became a nuisance, my loved-ones got stabbed in the back, by me. I denied it, I ignored it, I persisted. And then I collapsed.

It took a long time before I felt strong enough to fight and win myself back again. It took therapy, it took medicine, and it took patience. I had to figure out why I wanted to win myself back at all - was I worth it? What was so special about me, anyway? I thought I was weak, pitiful, spineless, useless. Worst of all, I had no respect for who I really was.

Change is so easily taken for granted. Something not right? Just change it! This is next to impossible when it has to be a fundamental change, a hard-core, deep down 10,000 leagues under the sea kind of change. I had to do more than just change, I had to reinvent myself. I had to pick and choose which attributes I could keep, and which had to be disposed of. I wrote things down, I screamed out loud, I cried. The next day I would burn the words I wrote, take a vow of silence and condemn myself for crying. It was a long and arduous process, and it's a continuing process. I face it every single day.

It's difficult and it hurts, and it's worth it. I am developing one of the most important traits a person can have: integrity. It's a trait I've always admired in others, a trait I always felt I lacked. I am proud to say, I don't now. I don't believe it's something you're born with, it's something you need to earn.

I don't regret the choices I made in the most difficult period of my life till now, even the really stupid ones. That would be like saying I regret the path I chose that led me to this moment in my life. I can't change that path any more than I can change the color of grass. The choices I have made were sometimes destructive, sometimes involuntary, sometimes impossible. The path I chose is my path. When someone new steps onto it, I share my path with them, since they are now a part of it as well. No shame and no acting. Not any more.

Before me lies a multitude of choices, paths, directions - I am perched in the bow of a tree as countless branches spring out around me. I can take my pick which branch I choose to venture out upon, and it will be a positive choice. A good choice.