I have been trying to understanding myself for quite a few years now, only to find myself to be one of the greatest mysteries I've ever encountered. Why have I been exposing myself to this struggle, you may wonder? Well, if the stuff they write in self-help books is true, it's because I am healthy, but I want to get healthier. Which means I must have some sort of advantage - at least I'm not starting from scratch.
The person driving the car that hit me six years ago, sending me and my handbag five meters across the street and permanently damaging my knee, clearly didn't consider the fact that my life literally schreeched to a halt the moment he chose not to. Everything I knew to encompass me was suddenly altered by this singular event. I was messed up, but officially, I had 'trauma'. I was a cripple, but officially, I was 'handicapped'. I needed help, and officially, I needed a 'shrink'.
I've heard it's pretty unique to click with your first psychologist. My first shrink is also my current shrink; a young, intelligent woman who, after six years, knows more about why I do the things I do than I do. Yet, it doesn't seem fair, that every time I see her, she has this mental advantage over me. She'll ask me questions and wait patiently as I flounder around, trying to figure out the answers she already knows... I can never seem to surprise her! I sometimes think about making something up to throw her off course, an imaginary and unforeseen breakthrough of some kind, but I always decide against it. If I'm going to get healthier than I already am, I better play it straight, I tell myself.
The first time I was diagnosed with PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder), I took steps to successfully get over it. After a year of shrinking, and with much pride and elation, I finally declared myself healthy and 'de-traumatized', said goodbye to my shrink for good and continued on the merry path of my life as I had known it, 'pre-accident'. Little did I know how unhealthy I actually was! It only took a few years before my disorder reared its ugly head and wanted to play chicken with me. Oh my, it was ugly. Seriously, if you thought the latest smear campaign the Republicans have launched against the Democrats is ugly, let me tell you, my neglected disorder was uglier. I went to my doctor with complaints of head-aches, regular bouts of self-pity and recurrent sobbing fits and to my utter bewilderment, he diagnosed me with... PTSD! What?! I thought I was over that! How was I supposed to know you could get it twice? I thought it was one of those things, like chicken pox, and once you had it out of your system, you were immune! Boy, was I wrong.
As it turned out, the second round of PTSD was of the industrial-strength variety, and it wasn't in the mood to get shrunk anytime soon. In fact, I am still in therapy to this day to learn about how to wrench myself from its clutches. But even after weekly psychological sessions, mindfulness-based stress reduction courses, physical therapy sessions, meditation, self-help literature and the occassional Dr. Phil episode, I didn't really feel like I was getting any healthier!
Dr. Robin Skynner pointed out in the book 'Life and How To Survive It', which he co-wrote with John Cleese (who, incidentally, is a fellow mental patient, which probably doesn't come as a surprise to any of us who have ever seen an episode of 'Monty Python's Flying Circus'). Anyway, Dr. Robin Skynner said:
'...when we start on this process leading us to greater health, temporarily we can feel worse'.
Aha! Reassuring! The keyword in that sentence being, of course, 'temporarily'. But, a couple chapters further on in the book, he said:
'If you are healthy, you'll get healthier. If you're not, it's down the slippery slope'.
Hmm. Now I'm confused. So, to start the getting healthy process, you have to be healthy. But once you've started it, you'll feel less healthy, allbeit temporarily. But what's happening is that you're actually getting more not healthy. And if you're not healthy, you'll find yourself careening down a ski slope of some kind, assumingly with no experience in skiing and no knowledge whatsoever of how to stear or stop, and staring at a gaping ravine you'll most likely be plummeting into in a New York minute.
'...when we start on this process leading us to greater health, temporarily we can feel worse'.
Aha! Reassuring! The keyword in that sentence being, of course, 'temporarily'. But, a couple chapters further on in the book, he said:
'If you are healthy, you'll get healthier. If you're not, it's down the slippery slope'.
Hmm. Now I'm confused. So, to start the getting healthy process, you have to be healthy. But once you've started it, you'll feel less healthy, allbeit temporarily. But what's happening is that you're actually getting more not healthy. And if you're not healthy, you'll find yourself careening down a ski slope of some kind, assumingly with no experience in skiing and no knowledge whatsoever of how to stear or stop, and staring at a gaping ravine you'll most likely be plummeting into in a New York minute.
Now just a minute! Where'd the reassuring go?
Although I am full aware of the risks involved, I will not be deterred. I've started this dive into the lake of me, and if I don't finish it, well, then I'd have to remain suspended in mid air for some time with no idea how to get down. Or up, for that matter. I'm not worried. I've managed to surround myself with qualified individuals who have made it their sole purpose to guide helpless souls like me find their way back to, or away from, or out of, or towards, or just a little to the left of...themselves. And it probably won't be too hard for them to do just that, seeing as the bulk of their patients, like me, will most likely already be healthy when they walk in the door.
Healthy, but not quite healthy enough.
Although I am full aware of the risks involved, I will not be deterred. I've started this dive into the lake of me, and if I don't finish it, well, then I'd have to remain suspended in mid air for some time with no idea how to get down. Or up, for that matter. I'm not worried. I've managed to surround myself with qualified individuals who have made it their sole purpose to guide helpless souls like me find their way back to, or away from, or out of, or towards, or just a little to the left of...themselves. And it probably won't be too hard for them to do just that, seeing as the bulk of their patients, like me, will most likely already be healthy when they walk in the door.
Healthy, but not quite healthy enough.
No comments:
Post a Comment